Shefali Shah’s Message to Mothers: ‘Why Does It Have to Be Me or Them?’

Shefali Shah has spoken about the pressure women face to define themselves through relationships and the guilt mothers can feel when they make time for themselves. In a conversation with Lilly Singh, the actor questioned why caring for a family and caring for oneself have to be treated as competing choices.

For Shefali Shah, a woman should be recognised for who she is—not simply for the relationship she has with someone else.

The actor recently reflected on identity, motherhood and the expectations placed on women during a conversation with Lilly Singh. Her comments touched on two issues that often overlap in women’s lives: being defined through relationships and feeling guilty about prioritising personal needs.

Rather than accepting the idea that a woman has to choose between her family and herself, Shefali offered a different perspective: both can exist at the same time.

‘That’s the relationship. What is the character?’

Shefali recalled situations in the entertainment industry where women were introduced primarily through their relationship to another character.

When she asked about a female role, she said the description could sometimes be reduced to labels such as “the hero’s mom”, “this one’s daughter” or “this one’s wife”.

For Shefali, those descriptions explained the relationship but not the person.

“That’s the relationship. What is the character?” she would ask.

The question points to a distinction that Shefali believes is important: knowing who a woman is related to does not necessarily tell an audience who she is.

A character can be someone’s mother, daughter or wife while also having her own motivations, ambitions, conflicts and personality. When those elements are missing, the relationship can become the character’s entire identity.

Shefali also acknowledged that perceptions are changing and that women are increasingly being recognised for their individual contributions.

Why should motherhood mean putting yourself last?

The conversation then turned to a question many mothers can relate to: what happens when a woman wants to do something for herself but feels guilty about stepping away from her responsibilities?

Shefali’s response challenged the idea that self-care and caregiving have to be opposing choices.

“Why does it have to be I’ll care for them or myself? Why can’t it be I’ll care for them and me?” she said.

The distinction is simple but significant.

Being a devoted mother does not necessarily mean giving up every personal ambition. A woman can care deeply for her children while also pursuing a career, taking time for herself, maintaining friendships or exploring interests outside motherhood.

For Shefali, the question is not whether a mother should care for her family or herself. It is why the two are being presented as mutually exclusive in the first place.

A mother’s value is not measured by whether she cooked

Shefali also touched on the everyday expectations that can become attached to motherhood and domestic life.

She spoke humorously about not cooking and suggested that if someone wanted to order food, they could order something for her as well.

Behind the humour is a larger point about how women can be judged through domestic responsibilities.

Cooking, cleaning and managing a household can be meaningful forms of care, but they should not be treated as a test of whether a woman is a good mother or a successful woman.

A mother who does not cook every day is still a mother. A woman who delegates household responsibilities is still caring for her family. And someone who chooses to spend time on her career or personal interests does not automatically care less about the people around her.

Motherhood can be important without becoming an entire identity

Motherhood can fundamentally change a woman’s life, but it does not erase everything that existed before it.

A mother can continue to have ambitions, friendships, interests, professional goals and dreams that belong specifically to her. She can want to learn something new, return to work, start a project, travel or simply have uninterrupted time for herself.

That does not diminish the love she has for her children.

Shefali’s comments offer a way of looking at motherhood that leaves room for both responsibilities and individuality. Instead of asking women to choose between their families and themselves, the conversation can begin with a different question: how can women make space for both?

Shefali Shah’s reminder about identity

At the heart of Shefali’s comments is a broader reminder about identity.

A woman is more than someone’s daughter, wife or mother. Those relationships may be deeply meaningful, but they are only parts of a larger person.

The same applies to motherhood.

A mother does not become selfish because she needs a break. She does not become less devoted because she has professional ambitions. And she does not need to apologise for wanting a life that includes something beyond her role within the family.

Perhaps the most powerful part of Shefali’s message is that children can benefit from seeing that balance in practice: a mother who loves them deeply while also recognising that her own dreams, identity and wellbeing matter.

For Shefali, caring for others and caring for yourself do not have to be an either-or choice.

They can be—and perhaps should be—both.